As the sun rose on Saturday, the 4th of July, billions of Americans looked forward to holiday festivities, including barbecues, parades, fireworks and fun. Little did they know that fate intended to add a new element into the festivities: carnage. A grizzly-bear-sized snowy owl embarked upon a coast-to-coast tour of dread, sparing neither man, woman nor child wherever he stopped.
The owl was first spotted flying up and down the main street of the small Ohio city of Xenia, made famous through its depiction in the blockbuster feature film Gummo, which was described by one person as a 'masterpiece', although most people consider it 'a bunch of crap' that 'doesn't really depict Xenia at all, more of some artsy-fartsy filmmaker's twisted idea of small town America'. Whatever one's opinion on the film Gummo, however, there was no denying that the grizzly-bear-sized snowy owl rained destruction upon the town to a degree not seen since the tornado of 1974.
Little did he know that the parade was about to turn into a funeral procession
By the time the owl had finished, between 35 and 20,481 people were killed in Xenia. Additionally, the owl smashed between 10 and 268 schools, 181 and 9,495 businesses, and left between 10,784 and 58,000 people homeless in the attack.
The owl then flew northwest to the village of Barrington, Illinois, where their annual 4th of July parade was in full swing.
The owl began the attack by a series of flybys over the children's bicycle entry. Possibly attracted by the bright colors, fluttering streamers and bizarre headgear worn by the children, the owl buzzed the crowd of thousands of children, ripping the hats, and in some cases the heads, off the attendees.
They were about to pray that their bikes were 10-speeders...
After leaving dozens or hundreds of children and their parents dead or fleeing in terror, the owl proceeded to fly along the parade route. It perched in a tree near the historic Catlow theatre for a few moments, before decimating the parade and the assembled crowd.
Unfortunately, their aerobics skills could not save them from a predator capable of flight
A survivor recounted, 'I was just enjoying the parade. It was a nice day, you know. I saw the big polar owl in the tree, but I thought somehow it must be part of the parade. But once it looked at me, and listen, that owl had evil eyes. That is the only way I can describe it -- evil. I got up and moved away, because I was starting to have a bad feeling. It just sat in the tree for a while, till the Jazzercize people came along, with their music blasting. And then the owl looked like he meant business. I don't know if it was because of the music - believe me, the music was really bad and annoying -- or if was because they somehow reminded him of lemmings or mice or whatever these owls eat, or maybe just his own evil nature. But there can be no doubt that at that moment the owl went crazy. I realized he was going to make a move and got a little bit away from the owl before everything went to hell, but it was a narrow escape. I know a lot of people were not lucky.
'The Barrington motto said this is "a great place to live, work and play". I don't think anybody is saying that any more. It is a horrible place to die a screaming, bloody death while being torn apart by a giant polar owl.'
Between 87 and 14,864 people were killed in the attack on Barrington.
Archaeologist Dr. Daniel Freemont, who recently shocked the academic community with his discovery of 300-year-old photographs depicting a grizzly-bear-sized snowy owl in colonial America, believes that there may be a link between the owl and the history of the places that have been attacked. 'Not many people know that Xenia was built right next to the center of civilized Native American activity in the Ohio Territory. We're talking major Shawnee territory. Tecumseh was born like two miles from Xenia. Barrington was also originally settled by Native Americans. Now, I'm not saying that Native Americans are responsible for the owl attacking people. I believe this owl has been attacking people long before there were Europeans in North America. But I think that the Native American community might have some useful knowledge about the owl. It seems like our everyday methods of dealing with this threat have been useless. We need to start thinking outside the box if we don't want to see a death toll in the billions.'
The owl was last spotted in New Jersey, flying due east. Witnesses reported the silhouette of a grizzly-bear-sized snowy owl illuminated by fireworks. It is believed that the owl may have also seized some fireworks to employ in attacking people, but this speculation remains unconfirmed in the absence of survivors; it may be weeks until the full extent of the owl's carnage is known.
A shadow of death falling across the blazing festivities
