As dawn broke over Paris, the capital of France, renowned for its culture, architecture, and romance, the city was greeted by a strange sight: a grizzly-bear-sized snowy owl (harfang de neige in French) perched atop the Eiffel Tower.
A bad omen...
Hundreds of millions of native Parisians and tourists from across the globe reported the gigantic creature surveying his surroundings with a menacing air. One French witness described the scene as 'like something out of an expensive yet worthless American Hollywood movie', a sentiment repeated by 341,109 other French people witnessing the sight.
After looking menacingly at the city, the owl then took off, circled the Eiffel Tower several times, and then fatally compromised the structure with his talons. As the tower collapsed, he battered it with his wings, sending it crashing into the Seine River and killing between 684 and 29,762 people.
Suddenly the view from the top doesn't look as good...
The skyline of Paris was about to change dramatically.
After smashing the Eiffel Tower, the owl proceeded to another famous Parisian landmark: the Arc de Triomphe, commissioned in 1806 by Napoleon Bonaparte to commemorate his victory at the Battle of Austerlitz. Perching on top of the Arc, the snowy owl crushed several dozen or hundreds of tourists beneath his talons, and flung the bodies onto the ground of the Place Charles de Gaulle below.
Napoleon might soil his pants if he could see this.
After smashing many of the sculptures on the arc, the owl proceeded to circle the monument, then flew above the heavy morning rush hour traffic, and seized between one and eight dozen cars and busses and flung them against the Arc de Triomphe. As the vehicles' petrol caught fire, causing numerous exlposions, the marble of the monument was stained by soot and flame. Apparently unafraid of the inferno, the owl returned to the monument to smash it to bits in a series of strafing flybys with his talons.
Ten minutes later, this scene would be engulfed in flames.
The owl then flew down a charming street lined with brick houses, where an older Frenchman in a beret was selling strings of garlic on his bicycle. The owl apparently killed the man and 18 customers, and took the garlic.
About to try some French Cuisine
The owl proceeded to enter a nearby bakery, where a French patissier had just prepared a large number of gateaux, as well as dozens of loaves of fresh bread, and was about to enjoy some wine. A witness reported that the jovial baker offered the owl some wine and bread. What happened afterwards was not recorded, but it is a safe bet that carnage ensued.
Bon appetit, or Au Revoir?
Shortly afterwards, the owl was spotted in front of Notre Dame cathedral, where a mime was entertaining a large crowd of both tourists and native Parisians. The owl silently crept up behind the mime, who did not interrupt his act when threatened. Unfortunately, his dedication to artistic integrity cost him his life, as the owl bit his head off before attacking the crowd.
Is he trying to tell us it's a good time to die?
A student who witnessed the scene reported, "The harfang [snowy owl] came up behind the mime when he was, well, I don't know what the mime was doing. It wasn't very good, but you know how tourists are, they eat this nonsense up like they eat croissants. Me, I just like to yell at the mime and the tourists. They're all idiots, you know. Oh, but the harfang... it came up behind the mime and tore off his head but didn't eat it, he spat it onto these tourists who were videotaping the whole thing. It's too bad the harfang then smashed them and their video camera, because that video would have been something to see. It smashed a lot of other people too. Some people were screaming and trying to run away, but I thought, I'll offer it some wine to see if it would drink. You know, I had this idea that this scenario would be funnier if the harfang was drunk. So I offered it my bottle, but instead of drinking it, it just grabbed it and smashed it into the face of some British tourist. I almost pissed myself I started laughing so hard. By the way, have you ever drank French wine? It's much better than the piss you Americans make in Colorado or wherever.' None of the rest of the eyewitness's drunken ramblings were worth reporting.
The next stop on the owl's tour of destruction was the world-famous Louvre museum, one of the greatest repositories of art on the planet. The owl smashed the glass pyramid designed by the architect I.M. Pei, then proceeded inside the massive building to wreak further havoc.
And a cloud of doom descended from the sky...
They came to see the Mona Lisa, but soon nobody would be smiling.
A tourist captured a scene in front of one of the most famous paintings in the world, Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa. As hundreds of visitors were snapping pictures of the masterwork, the owl appeared in front of the crowd, where he was heard to utter a menacing noise that was described as sounding like 'Rrrrrrrrrrrrr' before he unleashed his rage on the crowd.
Careful photographic analysis reveals that this owl appears to be the very same grizzly-bear-sized snowy owl involved in attacks across the United States. World leaders have been advised to be prepared for the possibility of an international campaign of destruction unleashed by the owl. So far, it is believed that the owl is impervious to bullets, but this hypothesis was not tested in the recent attack on Paris, as no armed resistance was evidently offered.
After this attack, French speaking people have begun to refer to the owl as l'harfang d'enfer: the Hellish Owl.
