Lover's Lane: The Couples, the Cars...the Carnage

An alarming new development has taken place in the saga of destruction caused by a grizzly-bear-sized snowy owl.

Previously, all recorded attacks had been observed to take place on large gatherings of people, such as festivals, celebrations, or crowded areas. However, following the attacks on 5 May 2009 that left between 27 and 5,197 people dead, new evidence has come to light that the owl has begun attacking couples in or near cars on lovers' lanes across the United States.

Too wrapped up in each other to notice looming death...

The owl's first victims on what has been described as an attack on Lovers' Lanes across the nation were a Dr. B. Massengil of Columbus, Ohio, and Ms. J. Marshall, described by acquaintances as Dr. Massengil's 'trophy girlfriend'. The owl evidently tore the couple limb from limb, before crumpling up Dr. Massengil's new car 'like a tin can', according to witnesses.

The majesty and the hell of nature...

The owl was next sighted at Yosemite National Park, California. A photographer had paused to get a photograph of a romantic couple that had recently exited their car to admire the beautiful scenery, when he captured the moment that the grizzly-bear-sized raptor appeared from amidst the trees. The owl seized the couple in his talons and devoured them on the spot, before flinging their car into the valley below, where the gas tank exploded and started a wildfire that continues to rage out of control.

He paid to go all the way, but fate threw them a detour.

The owl then left the Yosemite National Park and flew to the Portland, Oregon, area, where he killed one Mr. F. Pooner, a student at Portland Community College, and one Ms. S. Pie, an actress and prostitute. The mangled, bloody corpses of Mr. Pooner and Ms. Pie were found inside the car, which, paradoxically, was not damaged in the attack, initially leading authorities to believe that the owl could not have been responsible. Photographic evidence, however, conclusively demonstrates that the owl was, in fact, the culprit.

A marriage about to end before it really started

A Mr. S. C. Colburt and his new bride were among the last known victims. Fresh from a beachside wedding in southern California, in which Mr. Colburt was reputed to have worn a shirt that was not tucked into his trousers, the newlyweds stopped along Interstate 5 en route to Mexico to revel in the romance of the moment. Eyewitnesses reported that they never saw the grizzly-bear-sized owl land next to their car. Evidently the owl was able to bite off both their heads in one bite due to the proximity of their faces.

In total, between ten and 2,871 people have been killed in the recent attacks on couples in cars. Authorities across the nation are urging couples planning to visit lovers' lanes to exercise due caution and be alert for the possibility of an attack from the deadly predator.