The Last Gasp of Summer Became Their Last Gasp

In the United States of America, the Labor Day holiday is traditionally a day of rest, relaxation and parades, the symbolic end of summer and the start of fall. Tragically, as billions of hot dogs and hamburgers prepared to be roasted on hundreds of millions of grills across the country, nobody expected the day would end in carnage when a grizzly-bear-sized snowy owl unleashed a campaign of destruction on barbecue parties across the nation.

He wasn't interested in sharing the bounty of the sea

The owl was first spotted flying westward from the Atlantic Ocean, where he began the day of doom by attacking boaters getting an early start on the day's festivities. A camera found on the blood-soaked deck of a yacht in Martha's Vineyard tells what is becoming an all-too-famliliar scene, of relaxed people enjoying life before a grizzly-bear-sized snowy owl tears them limb from limb. Although there were no survivors to recount the details of the event, the bloody boats littered with torn limbs and gallons of blood, combined with this photo, told the story clearly enough. Unlike US President Barack Obama, it appears that the owl did not particularly enjoy Martha's Vineyard, although like President Obama food was on the owl's agenda during the stopover there.

A relaxing start to the academic year was about to become a bloodbath

The owl was next spotted further west in Pittsburgh, where dozens of colleges and universities had recently begun the new academic year. An attendee at a barbecue party for graduate students at Carnegie Mellon University and/or the University of Pittsburgh was taking a photo of friends at the barbecue, and only later realized that he had photographed the owl assessing the scene for prey. "It was just a really chill get-together," the student recounted. "With the year starting up again, and some of us not being around all summer, we were just catching up, drinking some beers and grilling some food. I didn't expect a giant owl to eat all my friends. I guess it goes without saying that this is the worst start to a new school year ever."

If only they had watched Jaws instead of Julie & Julia

Continuing to carve a swathe of destruction westward, the owl was next spotted doing a flyby of a rooftop barbecue party (with other food that wasn't barbecued as well) in Cleveland, Ohio. After devouring between two and fourteen attendees, the owl began flinging furniture off the twelve-story apartment building, killing and injuring an additional seven to 49 people. A survivor described the scene: "Stephanie had been talking about putting on some kind of fancy girls' day out barbecue for a while. Ever since she decided to become a foodie, she was going on about how she wanted to do a big fancy spread, and of course she couldn't just fire up a barbecue like normal people. She spent weeks trawling farmers' markets and fancy grocery stores looking for just the right ingredients for her piece de resistance menu. Finding the right freaking wine was a massive production. By the time the event finally rolled around, I was ready to drink straight-up Everclear -- the 190 proof stuff that isn't even legal in Ohio -- that's how tired I was of hearing how she slaved to find just the right whatevers for the salad. The food wasn't even that good. But nobody wanted to tell her, because she was going on about how she slaved over this stupid thing. It looks like now I'll never have the chance to tell her. I'm just glad she was dead before that owl tossed the food off the roof, because that would have just added insult to injury."

Their first taste of American culture would be their last meal

The owl was later spotted in Chicago, at a Labor Day barbecue party hosted by an organization sponsoring international students who were spending the school year at American high schools. Tragically, between seven and 215 students and organization staff members were killed at the barbecue. "We thought a barbecue would be a fun way to introduce the kids to an American holiday tradition, while allowing them to meet fellow study abroad students," said an administrator who asked to remain anonymous. "Obviously, if we had any clue that a grizzly-bear-sized snowy owl was going to attack the party, we never would have held it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. I think, for me, the worst thing is they first seemed to think the owl was part of the party, like a really realistic mascot or robot or something. They didn't know the thing was dangerous."