They thought they were escaping the Olde Worlde, but the New World had a special hell in store...

Researchers uncovered shocking new information regarding the grizzly-bear-sized snowy owl that has been terrorizing the United States from Washington DC to San Francisco. A team of intrepid archaeologists working in the Jamestown settlement area of Virginia unearthed a collection of photos dating from the earliest years of European settlement in North America. Those photos included several astonishing images of a giant snowy owl engaged in acts of carnage and destruction that eerily recalled events of recent weeks.

A giant snowy owl flies over Berkeley Plantation in a photo believed to date to 1619

Dr. D. Freemont, who led the team that uncovered the photos, believes that they date from the early 17th century. 'One of the photos shows a huge owl flying over Berkeley Plantation, which apparently was the site of the first official Thanksgiving in America, in 1619,' Freemont explained. 'My sources say that celebration ended in tragedy when the entire party of colonists vanished, leaving behind only blood and a few shredded limbs. For a long time, we thought it must have been the Indians, but this new evidence suggests that maybe we should reconsider that theory.'

Two colonial citizens meet their demise under the deadly talons

The photos were discovered when Freemont's team noticed an unusual pattern in the sandy soil near their dig site. One of their members, an expert in the controversial, cutting-edge technique of using dynamite in archaological digs, blew a perfectly rectangular hole 1.73 m deep, revealing an oaken casket.

Freemont commented, 'Being more of an egyptologist than an early-modern kind of guy, i wasn't sure what we had here, but when we were able to get the chest open, I knew what we had was something really important.'

The owl feeds on a prized thoroughbred belonging to the governor of a colony

The earliest photograph, believed to date to 1619, shows the owl flying over Berkeley plantation. The other photographs showed a large white owl ripping the heads off colonists, eating a horse that is believed to have belonged to the governor of either Virginia or Massachusetts, or possibly George Washington, crushing more colonists beneath his feet, and glaring menacingly at colonists as it sits atop the Capitol building in Williamsburg, home to Virginia's House of Burgesses.

Coming in for a landing right on top of some hapless colonists

While the specific dates of the four photos not depicting Berkely plantation are unknown at this time, Freemont's team believes they probably depict events around 1776, when America declared independence from Great Britain. Freemont points out, 'If you look really closely at the guy standing to the left of the building [in the photo directly above], you can see it's Patrick Henry, and he looks like he just gave a rousing speech in favor of independence. I'm also pretty sure the couple on the right are George and Martha Washington.'

The owl perches atop the House of Burgess in Williamsburg

Based on the photos and other historical records, Freemont and his team estimate the death toll caused by the owl in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries may have been between three and around 8,000. 'We really have to reconsider the death toll caused by American Indians,' said Freemont. 'What if it wasn't Indians, but a giant owl that killed all those colonists back then?'

The details of the past events might also be less important than their implication for the present. 'I'm not trying to downplay the historical importance of the events in these pictures, but what strikes me the most is how closely the owl in these photos resembles the owl that attacked people on Free Cone Day. I mean, look at the pictures, it looks like exactly the same owl,' said Freemont. 'Maybe we, the present, need to learn from the past.'

A faculty member of a prestigious university offered a different perspective. Speaking authoritatively in a British accent, this academic asked to remain anonymous 'because it could damage my career to give even the barest suggestion of taking Freemont's ridiculous claims seriously'. He said, 'Anyone who looks at these photos and thinks there really was a giant snowy owl flying around Virginia in the 17th and 18th centuries has [expletive] for brains and would be a likely candidate for a Darwin award.'

The anonymous academic commented, 'Admittedly, there was a broadside from the early 1770s that referenced a "Daemon of the most hellish Nature, in the Form of a white Owell of great Proportion and Magnitude that was spewn forth by the foul papist land of Quebeck and incited against the Inhabitants of these Parts by a cruell and tyrannical Government in England". However, we have always believed, and the sane among us continue to believe, that this was purely an allegorical or figurative reference to the Quebec Act, and not a literal description of a giant snowy owl that was terrorising colonists in Virginia. The notion is utterly preposterous.

This year's Earth Day celebration will take place in HELL

The same snowy owl who wreaked havoc in San Francisco during yesterday's Free Cone Day event continues his reign of terror. He was most recently observed at the Reno-Tahoe Earth Day celebration, where community members and visitors gathered to enjoy music, entertainment, and food in a spirit of environmental awareness. Tragically, patrons of the event became food themselves when the giant snowy owl appeared.

Earth Day attendees are greeted by a surprising sight

The owl proceeded to destroy the stage, tragically killing all the members of the eco-folk band that was performing, before proceeding to the collection of tents, picnic tables and open space known as the "food court". Ironically, the patrons might have been safer under cover of a typical mall food court, rather than enjoying the outdoors, because the owl proceeded to devour between two and 135 attendees.

Food court patrons find themselves on the menu

Event survivor Hester Coake said, "I normally love nature, but this was terrifying, really traumatic. This freak of nature [the owl] must have been caused by some kind of top secret government experimentation. I can understand creating new species to replace endangered ones and increase the number diversity of our natural world, but this thing was definitely not about increasing anything. It was all about subtraction. Personally, I think former President George W. Bush and California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger are behind it."

There is no clear evidence, however, that the attacks are politically motivated.

The cones were supposed to be free...but it cost them their lives

Residents of the San Francisco area went out in large numbers to enjoy Ben & Jerry's free ice cream cone promotion. Unfortunately for some of them, the ice cream may have been free, but the event cost them their lives when a giant snowy owl attacked and devoured them.

Giant snowy owl wreaks havoc on the queue outside Ben & Jerry's

The owl began its rampage at the franchise at the corner of Haight and Ashbury. Witnesses reported a sudden, silent attack, during which time the owl devoured between three and 15 patrons as they stood in a queue for free ice cream.

The owl grabs a patron exiting the ice cream shop

Eyewitness testimony was problematic, but apparently the owl returned at least three times. A photographer captured an image of the owl about to rip a person's head off. The photographer, who preferred not to be identified, stated that the owl then threw the head at other patrons standing in the queue, knocking them over like bowling pins, before devouring four people.

The last ice cream cone of his life

After killing and devouring between five and 392 people at the Haight Ashbury location, the owl flew to the Fisherman's Wharf Ben and Jerry's, where he was seen to devour a tourist. Old-age pensioner J.P. Rosenfeld was vacationing in San Francisco and had just exited the Fisherman's Wharf location (where there was miraculously no line) with a scoop of Half Baked frozen yogurt when he encountered the owl. Several eyewitnesses reported that Mr. Rosenfeld was heard to say, 'Listen, mister, get out of my way. I'm a busy man and I'm going to enjoy this [expletive] ice cream.' The owl proceded to bite his head off and spit it out on a nearby Prius.

The Cherry Blossoms were falling...and so was the blood.

The Washington Post recently reported an unusual sighting of a snowy owl in Washington DC.

In the interests of preventing a massive panic, they omitted the fact that this owl was, in fact, approximately the size of a grizzly bear... and far more deadly.

Snowy owls are rarely seen this far south, and a search of records for the past two hundred and fifty years suggests that an owl of this size has never been seen in America.

It is believed that the owl may have remained in Washington due to crowds lured by the annual Cherry Blossom festival. There were several sightings of the owl during the festival.

The owl perches on the Washington Monument

Visitors attending the festival fell prey to the owl, which would appear out of nowhere and snatch up people like they were the lemmings that make up a snowy owl's normal diet. Some witness reported being traumatized by the sight of people torn limb from limb. All witnesses agreed that nobody had any idea the owl was there until it was too late.

The calm demeanor of the crowd shows the silent, swift nature of the attack.

Death tolls have been estimated between 32 and 7,821.

There are no known plans by municipal or federal authorities to deal with the threat.

Hell has taken flight!

The food chain has entered a new dark age... and MAN IS AT THE BOTTOM!