Stand on the right, walk on the left...or die

The giant snowy owl that wreaked havoc on Washington DC during the annual Cherry Blossom Festival has returned to the capital of the United States to cause further mayhem and destruction. This week, the grizzly-bear-sized owl was observed attacking tourists and commuters in Washington's Metro system.

It is believed that the first targets of the attack were known as escalefters: people who disregard the common etiquette of standing on the right and walking on the left of the escalators in the metro stations.

By standing on the left, the escalefters in question blocked the flow of pedestrian traffic when the first attack came, at the north entrance to the Dupont Circle metro station. The owl was able to seize stationary pedestrians in both talons as a result of the escaleftors' actions.

Maybe 'Run for your lives' should have been the motto, instead of 'Stand right, walk left'

After devouring a number of people at the Dupont Circle location, the owl proceeded to fly south towards the National Mall, where he proceeded to stage a second attack on pedestrians on the Smithsonian station.

Their vacation is about to get a lot worse

While the death toll at the Dupont Circle station was estimated to be between one and 12, an estimated seven to 493 people were killed at the Smithsonian station, when a tourist steadfastly refused to start walking/running and trapped scores of people on the slow-moving stairs. Traumatised witnesses, including a group of young students visiting Washington for a school trip, described people being torn limb from limb by the grizzly-bear-sized owl.

Paradoxically, the death tolls were inversely proportional to the respective lengths of the escalators: approximately 200 feet (61 m) at Dupont Circle versus approximately 50 feet (15.2 m) at the Smithsonian.

The incident demonstrates the importance of observing proper etiquette while using public transportation. A Park Police Officer stationed nearby on the National Mall commented, 'What's tragic is this whole mess could have been avoided if one person had only walked on the left like people normally do But because someone thought it was more important to be goofing off with her friends, those people were trapped like fish in a barrel.' The tourist responsible for blocking the left of the escalator at the Smithstonian station was identified as one Ms S. Huggins. Survivors and next-of-kin of those killed have begun legal action against the estate of Ms Huggins.

After the attack on the Smithsonian, the owl circled the Washington monument, then proceeded to fly into the Metro station, where he was observed to board an Orange Line train in the direction of Vienna, Virginia. He then exited at Metro Center, a transfer point for the Orange, Blue, and Red lines, where he killed between five and 148 people.

The owl was last observed flying down one of the tunnels, but a subsequent search has yielded no sign of the gigantic raptor. The current whereabouts of the owl remain unknown. Despite repeated requests for further information about the owl's location from members of the media and members of Ms Huggins's party, weary Metro security spokesmen were forced to repeat continuously that they really, seriously have no clue about where the owl is, but they will update the Washington DC metro website as soon as they have any reliable information.